It's nearly 11pm; the power is out, and with windows open behind me, there's a slight breeze cooling the air. I hear thunder in the distance, the sound of raindrops dance outside, and by candle's light, I sit here writing, thinking of you.
Twenty-four weeks and two days today...nearly 18 weeks ago we learned of you. Now somewhere around 15 weeks more until I see your face, I do not feel prepared, but can hardly wait for the day!
Every day this becomes more real to us, with each step I feel more awake. I've reckoned every kick, motion, and beat of your heart a blessing and memory I never dare forget; each one being an early kiss to my cheek from your own little lips.
I've thought of a thousand things I want to share with you, so many wonders for you to see; but greater still, to see your happiness is more important than them all. I am enamored by your presence, but have yet to hold you near.
I'll not be a perfect father to you dear, this is a thing I know true, but in whatever you need of me, I will be here for you. With every laugh, every tear, every bump and bruise along the way, I'm proud God allowed me to be your daddy, and I'm always here to stay.
Showing posts with label Jeff's Page. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jeff's Page. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Abba, Father!
I love music and quite often find myself riding along in the car, music blaring, singing away with whatever notes I can hit in reason...and sometimes even those I can't. Ever now and then, I'll hear a lyric I've never noticed before, or hear another I'm familiar with, that strikes amazement in an entirely different way based on what's going on in my life.
A few days ago I found myself in yet another one of those moments; riding along, great song on the radio, singing out loud. The song that was playing was 'How He Loves' by David Crowder.
Knowing my appreciation for any song by David Crowder, and my fondness for this song in particular, I've probably sang it a hundred times over. Singing during the pinnacle bridge of the song, the familiar words rang out: "and Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart beats violently out of my chest".
From out of no where my tears began to flow; tears of happiness, tears of amazement, and tears of understanding. I suppose this stems from the timing of things, but it was a welcome lesson I don't want to forget. At that moment, the thought of my soon to be daughter showing her love to me through unexpected kiss crossed paths with the thought of God's love toward me as my Abba (daddy) Father - the same pattern of though mentioned in the song...Heaven meets Earth...He approaches us.
At the same time, the thought of turned to me being an example of God to my little girl: the way she will view God as father depends greatly on me...oh my!
All the while, God was speaking to me through this, as David continued to sing: "He loves us, oh how He loves us; He loves us! We are His portion, and we are His prize, drawn to redemption through grace in His eyes, if grace is an ocean we're all sinking!"
My praises began to flow!
My daughter, whom I've yet to meet, has already grabbed my heart in a way I can't explain. I know she'll need to learn discipline, but for now, she has done no wrong - she doesn't need forgiveness from me in any thing; but God, who is aware of every wrong I've ever done (or thought of doing) has justified me through His son, and loves me in a way that I can never comprehend.
Oh how He loves us!
A few days ago I found myself in yet another one of those moments; riding along, great song on the radio, singing out loud. The song that was playing was 'How He Loves' by David Crowder.
Knowing my appreciation for any song by David Crowder, and my fondness for this song in particular, I've probably sang it a hundred times over. Singing during the pinnacle bridge of the song, the familiar words rang out: "and Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart beats violently out of my chest".
From out of no where my tears began to flow; tears of happiness, tears of amazement, and tears of understanding. I suppose this stems from the timing of things, but it was a welcome lesson I don't want to forget. At that moment, the thought of my soon to be daughter showing her love to me through unexpected kiss crossed paths with the thought of God's love toward me as my Abba (daddy) Father - the same pattern of though mentioned in the song...Heaven meets Earth...He approaches us.
At the same time, the thought of turned to me being an example of God to my little girl: the way she will view God as father depends greatly on me...oh my!
All the while, God was speaking to me through this, as David continued to sing: "He loves us, oh how He loves us; He loves us! We are His portion, and we are His prize, drawn to redemption through grace in His eyes, if grace is an ocean we're all sinking!"
My praises began to flow!
My daughter, whom I've yet to meet, has already grabbed my heart in a way I can't explain. I know she'll need to learn discipline, but for now, she has done no wrong - she doesn't need forgiveness from me in any thing; but God, who is aware of every wrong I've ever done (or thought of doing) has justified me through His son, and loves me in a way that I can never comprehend.
Oh how He loves us!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Been thinking about...
Since completing substance abuse rehabilitation in 1992, I find myself genuinely interested in the subject of family dynamics. How the family functions based on its makeup, how each member produces their own roles, and how all involved are affected by the past, present, and future decisions of those around them.
I won't go to deeply into my family's own personal journey, but I will say that my family, like yours, would fit into the mantra of dysfunctional, while in the same breath, admitting that the term is far too often used to have any implied meaning of families at all.
As said, I won't go too deeply into my own family's dynamic (each person has their own story to tell), I want to give a thought on why I'm even writing this at all.
While talking with my wife a week or so back, we were discussing the lyrics of a song written by Shane Williams, a dear friend of mine who was the voice of Beggar's Promise, a band I was amazed to have the opportunity to be a part of for over three years.
In a conversation Shane and I had about the song, he had been hesitant to sing the song publicly due to the fact that the song had/has a great deal of personal meaning to him. As we talked, I explained to Shane that, I feel, this was the single thing that made the song so important...I believe I, as well as anyone who heard it, could feel the depth of where the song was coming from.
Needless to say, the song still touches me to this day, and it's by this same reason that I decided to write this post. These thoughts have been quite personal to me over the past few weeks, but somehow, I believe most of you will be able to relate.
One of my favorite bands goes by the name of Decypher Down, a Christian band, that writes lyrics in the style that I like...ones with depth. A particular song of theirs has been crossing my mind lately, the name of the song is Best I Can. In the lyrics, the author begins each verse with the words: "Been thinking about...".
You might say (understated sarcasm) that I've 'been thinking about' more lately knowing that I'm soon going to be a father. All the normal thoughts have been in there, names, finances, nursery items, etc; but there have also been some things I wouldn't have so easily expected to come to mind.
Thoughts of how am I going to console my child when they not only have scrapes or bruises externally, but those that are on the inside? How can I build into them a healthy sense of self-worth without them becoming self-absorbed? How am I going to discipline without hampering their sense of adventure? How am I going to foster in him or her an active imagination, while helping them to see things realistically?
Of course these are the ones that aren't that personal to me...so call me a hypocrite if you must, but its thoughts such as these that have also lead me back to the examples I've seen through my parents and, again, have been leading me in another study of our own family dynamics. Without needing to be said, I've been giving more thought to 'what would my dad have done' when answering many of my questions.
Naturally we've been spending more time with my parents lately, after all, in their eyes, we're about to give them one of the greatest gifts we could ever give. During this time, I've seen things through a different set of eyes. Goofy things that might not mean as much to you, but things like my dad getting agitated at a poky driver, or mom mentioning her cat's prissy-paws...things I've never noticed before, but things that sound just like me (or, maybe when I say them, I sound just like them?).
My dad and I would have to tell you (especially during my teenage years) that we didn't have the closest of relationships. Like most teenage boys and their fathers, we didn't always see eye to eye, and there were a lot of times I really pushed his limits to maximum. I'm also happy to say that we've developed a much stronger relationship, especially over the past ten years or so.
Back to the song by Decypher Down; he tells that he's 'been thinking about' the lies someone has seen that he's told, the mistakes someone has seen that he's made, wondering what that someone sees in him, and how things just didn't turn out the way he thought they'd be.
Just as I've seen my parents do things over the past few weeks that have made me think 'oh, that's where that comes from'; I'd almost bet that I'll be thinking some of the same thoughts the lyricist has used in this song...just as I'd bet my dad has also.
Now, let me share just a bit about how well my dad has done.
As a child, my dad lost his father to a flood at age 3; and I've thought several times about how that affected the answers to the same questions I have now. My grandmother, after my grandfather's death, remarried twice before my dad left for the Air Force. The second of those two marriages yielded what my dad knew as a dad; I've wondered what that must have been like.
On the flip side, my dad and mom have been married for 40 years. My dad never willingly skipped out of work, but supported my mom and I in any way that he could. I've never seen my dad willingly hit my mom. He supplied me with my first car (and didn't kill me when I got my first ticket running 90mph). My dad asked every bass player he had the opportunity to meet to pray for me while I partied it up, staying intoxicated for almost two solid years, prayed daily for me, and welcomed me with open arms when I did stop that maddening lifestyle. My dad has accepted my wife as a daughter and, I know, would protect her almost as I would myself. My dad is willing to help us in any way that he can, calls me often, never hangs up with saying 'I love you', and now treats me as an adult son with adult priorities...and still gives me a kick in the pants when I need it.
Since finding out we were pregnant, I have not been able to find the 'All Inclusive Guide To Parenting' book...and believe me, I've looked. Chances are, my dad never found it either.
The writer of the song starts with 'been thinking about', and tags each with 'I'm living the best I can'. I've felt much in common with this song, I've been thinking about a lot...the mistakes I've made (and will make), the incorrect things I'm sure my child will inevitably see me do, and I'm sure it won't turn out exactly how I think it should be.
I'm also sure I won't win the true world's greatest dad award; but I have made up my mind to live the best I can...and the best that I can, is to follow wise examples. Fortunately for me, I've got two of those...one earthly...one a little smarter.
I'm glad to say that, I can see a little bit of both of them shining out through me from time to time.
I won't go to deeply into my family's own personal journey, but I will say that my family, like yours, would fit into the mantra of dysfunctional, while in the same breath, admitting that the term is far too often used to have any implied meaning of families at all.
As said, I won't go too deeply into my own family's dynamic (each person has their own story to tell), I want to give a thought on why I'm even writing this at all.
While talking with my wife a week or so back, we were discussing the lyrics of a song written by Shane Williams, a dear friend of mine who was the voice of Beggar's Promise, a band I was amazed to have the opportunity to be a part of for over three years.
In a conversation Shane and I had about the song, he had been hesitant to sing the song publicly due to the fact that the song had/has a great deal of personal meaning to him. As we talked, I explained to Shane that, I feel, this was the single thing that made the song so important...I believe I, as well as anyone who heard it, could feel the depth of where the song was coming from.
Needless to say, the song still touches me to this day, and it's by this same reason that I decided to write this post. These thoughts have been quite personal to me over the past few weeks, but somehow, I believe most of you will be able to relate.
One of my favorite bands goes by the name of Decypher Down, a Christian band, that writes lyrics in the style that I like...ones with depth. A particular song of theirs has been crossing my mind lately, the name of the song is Best I Can. In the lyrics, the author begins each verse with the words: "Been thinking about...".
You might say (understated sarcasm) that I've 'been thinking about' more lately knowing that I'm soon going to be a father. All the normal thoughts have been in there, names, finances, nursery items, etc; but there have also been some things I wouldn't have so easily expected to come to mind.
Thoughts of how am I going to console my child when they not only have scrapes or bruises externally, but those that are on the inside? How can I build into them a healthy sense of self-worth without them becoming self-absorbed? How am I going to discipline without hampering their sense of adventure? How am I going to foster in him or her an active imagination, while helping them to see things realistically?
Of course these are the ones that aren't that personal to me...so call me a hypocrite if you must, but its thoughts such as these that have also lead me back to the examples I've seen through my parents and, again, have been leading me in another study of our own family dynamics. Without needing to be said, I've been giving more thought to 'what would my dad have done' when answering many of my questions.
Naturally we've been spending more time with my parents lately, after all, in their eyes, we're about to give them one of the greatest gifts we could ever give. During this time, I've seen things through a different set of eyes. Goofy things that might not mean as much to you, but things like my dad getting agitated at a poky driver, or mom mentioning her cat's prissy-paws...things I've never noticed before, but things that sound just like me (or, maybe when I say them, I sound just like them?).
My dad and I would have to tell you (especially during my teenage years) that we didn't have the closest of relationships. Like most teenage boys and their fathers, we didn't always see eye to eye, and there were a lot of times I really pushed his limits to maximum. I'm also happy to say that we've developed a much stronger relationship, especially over the past ten years or so.
Back to the song by Decypher Down; he tells that he's 'been thinking about' the lies someone has seen that he's told, the mistakes someone has seen that he's made, wondering what that someone sees in him, and how things just didn't turn out the way he thought they'd be.
Just as I've seen my parents do things over the past few weeks that have made me think 'oh, that's where that comes from'; I'd almost bet that I'll be thinking some of the same thoughts the lyricist has used in this song...just as I'd bet my dad has also.
Now, let me share just a bit about how well my dad has done.
As a child, my dad lost his father to a flood at age 3; and I've thought several times about how that affected the answers to the same questions I have now. My grandmother, after my grandfather's death, remarried twice before my dad left for the Air Force. The second of those two marriages yielded what my dad knew as a dad; I've wondered what that must have been like.
On the flip side, my dad and mom have been married for 40 years. My dad never willingly skipped out of work, but supported my mom and I in any way that he could. I've never seen my dad willingly hit my mom. He supplied me with my first car (and didn't kill me when I got my first ticket running 90mph). My dad asked every bass player he had the opportunity to meet to pray for me while I partied it up, staying intoxicated for almost two solid years, prayed daily for me, and welcomed me with open arms when I did stop that maddening lifestyle. My dad has accepted my wife as a daughter and, I know, would protect her almost as I would myself. My dad is willing to help us in any way that he can, calls me often, never hangs up with saying 'I love you', and now treats me as an adult son with adult priorities...and still gives me a kick in the pants when I need it.
Since finding out we were pregnant, I have not been able to find the 'All Inclusive Guide To Parenting' book...and believe me, I've looked. Chances are, my dad never found it either.
The writer of the song starts with 'been thinking about', and tags each with 'I'm living the best I can'. I've felt much in common with this song, I've been thinking about a lot...the mistakes I've made (and will make), the incorrect things I'm sure my child will inevitably see me do, and I'm sure it won't turn out exactly how I think it should be.
I'm also sure I won't win the true world's greatest dad award; but I have made up my mind to live the best I can...and the best that I can, is to follow wise examples. Fortunately for me, I've got two of those...one earthly...one a little smarter.
I'm glad to say that, I can see a little bit of both of them shining out through me from time to time.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
She built a legacy.
I love art. Especially when it involves Photoshop.
Whenever I have the chance to work on a project, and Photoshop is involved, as the art board opens, I cease to see a program and begin to see an empty canvas; begging to be improved upon. Looking towards its designer as conformable clay, knowing that it can be much better than its current state.
While creating my art, I begin to feel an inner, unexplainable connection with my work, as if it is an extension of myself.
I've recently had a desire to learn more about photo restoration. Taking an image that once was a new, crisp photo, that has been weathered and beaten with age, and returning it as closely as possible to its original grandeur.
Yesterday my wife and I had the pleasure to spend time with my parents on my dad's birthday. We ate hot dogs, potato salad, and finished things off with blackberry cobbler and ice-cream. We talked about everything from the weather to the baby, to movies... whatever were to come up. We also mentioned an image I had recently created; afterward, my mom asked if I thought I could enlarge an image of my grandmother and her dad so that her face could be more easily seen.
I explained that I would do what I could, but that scanned images are sometimes very difficult to work with, but I also felt that same inner excitement at the challenge to get started!
I scanned the 2.75" x 4.5" image at the highest resolution possible so that I could work with the most detail available to me. The resulting image (after some waiting) came into the computer at almost 36" tall! Naturally I'll have to reduce the resolution to work with it at any efficiency at all... but I remembered my mom's original reasoning was to see my grandmother more clearly... so I decided to make a 4" x 6" image of my grandmother alone.
Now I know there are many automated things that can be done with Photoshop; I even have some 'quick-fix' actions I've recorded myself for anything from basic color corrections, to HDR-ish transformations; but most times I prefer to do things the hard way, taking the longer approach. This allows me to focus more greatly on details that I may not have even seen before when using the click-of-a-button approach. Another thing it does is gives me a great connection to the image, more of an extension of myself if you will.
As I began working with my grandmother's photo, I really began thinking about what she must have been like as a child. In this original image, she is climbing on a contraption beside where her dad is working. She had brothers and sisters, but none of them are in this picture. I wondered about the relationship she must have had with her father; and already know about how much my mom loved him.
I thought about how that relationship must have made an impact on her relationship with her children and grandchildren; and while I'm sure she made her share of mistakes, what parent doesn't? It reminded me that, I'm sure to make more than a few with my soon-coming child, and that (hopefully) they'll still hold the love that I do for my parents and grandparents.
I was able to, yet again, have a time of connection with my grandmother and reflect on the legacy that she and my grandfather were able to build in, not only me, but their five children and spouses; their five grandchildren (two of which have spouses), their three great-granchildren, and countless others in our family.
I had many, many thoughts cross my mind while working on this one, because it is close to my heart. I didn't mind taking the long way around doing the work, because 'she' deserved it.
To my knowledge, my grandparents never saw a computer; outside of a few pictures I was able to show my grandmother on my iPod. If I had spoken Photoshop, she would have listened intently, giving me all the attention she could at what I was saying, and never spending time telling me she didn't know what I was talking about; but I think she could have understood exactly where I was coming from.
You see, she didn't look at us as simply members of her family; she looked at us as an empty canvas... as one, who with her years of knowledge, who might could encourage us to be more than what we were. I believe she felt an unexplainable connection with us that, gave her the desire to take her time, instead of taking one of those 'quick-fix' actions.
I believe we were all close to her heart in a very special way, and that she didn't mind taking the long way around working with us, but took her time, because in her eyes... we were worth it.
Whenever I have the chance to work on a project, and Photoshop is involved, as the art board opens, I cease to see a program and begin to see an empty canvas; begging to be improved upon. Looking towards its designer as conformable clay, knowing that it can be much better than its current state.
While creating my art, I begin to feel an inner, unexplainable connection with my work, as if it is an extension of myself.
I've recently had a desire to learn more about photo restoration. Taking an image that once was a new, crisp photo, that has been weathered and beaten with age, and returning it as closely as possible to its original grandeur.
Yesterday my wife and I had the pleasure to spend time with my parents on my dad's birthday. We ate hot dogs, potato salad, and finished things off with blackberry cobbler and ice-cream. We talked about everything from the weather to the baby, to movies... whatever were to come up. We also mentioned an image I had recently created; afterward, my mom asked if I thought I could enlarge an image of my grandmother and her dad so that her face could be more easily seen.
I explained that I would do what I could, but that scanned images are sometimes very difficult to work with, but I also felt that same inner excitement at the challenge to get started!
I scanned the 2.75" x 4.5" image at the highest resolution possible so that I could work with the most detail available to me. The resulting image (after some waiting) came into the computer at almost 36" tall! Naturally I'll have to reduce the resolution to work with it at any efficiency at all... but I remembered my mom's original reasoning was to see my grandmother more clearly... so I decided to make a 4" x 6" image of my grandmother alone.
Now I know there are many automated things that can be done with Photoshop; I even have some 'quick-fix' actions I've recorded myself for anything from basic color corrections, to HDR-ish transformations; but most times I prefer to do things the hard way, taking the longer approach. This allows me to focus more greatly on details that I may not have even seen before when using the click-of-a-button approach. Another thing it does is gives me a great connection to the image, more of an extension of myself if you will.
As I began working with my grandmother's photo, I really began thinking about what she must have been like as a child. In this original image, she is climbing on a contraption beside where her dad is working. She had brothers and sisters, but none of them are in this picture. I wondered about the relationship she must have had with her father; and already know about how much my mom loved him.
I thought about how that relationship must have made an impact on her relationship with her children and grandchildren; and while I'm sure she made her share of mistakes, what parent doesn't? It reminded me that, I'm sure to make more than a few with my soon-coming child, and that (hopefully) they'll still hold the love that I do for my parents and grandparents.
I was able to, yet again, have a time of connection with my grandmother and reflect on the legacy that she and my grandfather were able to build in, not only me, but their five children and spouses; their five grandchildren (two of which have spouses), their three great-granchildren, and countless others in our family.
I had many, many thoughts cross my mind while working on this one, because it is close to my heart. I didn't mind taking the long way around doing the work, because 'she' deserved it.
To my knowledge, my grandparents never saw a computer; outside of a few pictures I was able to show my grandmother on my iPod. If I had spoken Photoshop, she would have listened intently, giving me all the attention she could at what I was saying, and never spending time telling me she didn't know what I was talking about; but I think she could have understood exactly where I was coming from.
You see, she didn't look at us as simply members of her family; she looked at us as an empty canvas... as one, who with her years of knowledge, who might could encourage us to be more than what we were. I believe she felt an unexplainable connection with us that, gave her the desire to take her time, instead of taking one of those 'quick-fix' actions.
I believe we were all close to her heart in a very special way, and that she didn't mind taking the long way around working with us, but took her time, because in her eyes... we were worth it.
Friday, July 1, 2011
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