Been thinking about...

Since completing substance abuse rehabilitation in 1992, I find myself genuinely interested in the subject of family dynamics. How the family functions based on its makeup, how each member produces their own roles, and how all involved are affected by the past, present, and future decisions of those around them.

I won't go to deeply into my family's own personal journey, but I will say that my family, like yours, would fit into the mantra of dysfunctional, while in the same breath, admitting that the term is far too often used to have any implied meaning of families at all.

As said, I won't go too deeply into my own family's dynamic (each person has their own story to tell), I want to give a thought on why I'm even writing this at all.

While talking with my wife a week or so back, we were discussing the lyrics of a song written by Shane Williams, a dear friend of mine who was the voice of Beggar's Promise, a band I was amazed to have the opportunity to be a part of for over three years.

In a conversation Shane and I had about the song, he had been hesitant to sing the song publicly due to the fact that the song had/has a great deal of personal meaning to him. As we talked, I explained to Shane that, I feel, this was the single thing that made the song so important...I believe I, as well as anyone who heard it, could feel the depth of where the song was coming from.

Needless to say, the song still touches me to this day, and it's by this same reason that I decided to write this post. These thoughts have been quite personal to me over the past few weeks, but somehow, I believe most of you will be able to relate.



One of my favorite bands goes by the name of Decypher Down, a Christian band, that writes lyrics in the style that I like...ones with depth. A particular song of theirs has been crossing my mind lately, the name of the song is Best I Can. In the lyrics, the author begins each verse with the words: "Been thinking about...".

You might say (understated sarcasm) that I've 'been thinking about' more lately knowing that I'm soon going to be a father. All the normal thoughts have been in there, names, finances, nursery items, etc; but there have also been some things I wouldn't have so easily expected to come to mind.

Thoughts of how am I going to console my child when they not only have scrapes or bruises externally, but those that are on the inside? How can I build into them a healthy sense of self-worth without them becoming self-absorbed? How am I going to discipline without hampering their sense of adventure? How am I going to foster in him or her an active imagination, while helping them to see things realistically?

Of course these are the ones that aren't that personal to me...so call me a hypocrite if you must, but its thoughts such as these that have also lead me back to the examples I've seen through my parents and, again, have been leading me in another study of our own family dynamics. Without needing to be said, I've been giving more thought to 'what would my dad have done' when answering many of my questions.


Naturally we've been spending more time with my parents lately, after all, in their eyes, we're about to give them one of the greatest gifts we could ever give. During this time, I've seen things through a different set of eyes. Goofy things that might not mean as much to you, but things like my dad getting agitated at a poky driver, or mom mentioning her cat's prissy-paws...things I've never noticed before, but things that sound just like me (or, maybe when I say them, I sound just like them?). 

My dad and I would have to tell you (especially during my teenage years) that we didn't have the closest of relationships. Like most teenage boys and their fathers, we didn't always see eye to eye, and there were a lot of times I really pushed his limits to maximum. I'm also happy to say that we've developed a much stronger relationship, especially over the past ten years or so.


Back to the song by Decypher Down; he tells that he's 'been thinking about' the lies someone has seen that he's told, the mistakes someone has seen that he's made, wondering what that someone sees in him, and how things just didn't turn out the way he thought they'd be.

Just as I've seen my parents do things over the past few weeks that have made me think 'oh, that's where that comes from'; I'd almost bet that I'll be thinking some of the same thoughts the lyricist has used in this song...just as I'd bet my dad has also.


Now, let me share just a bit about how well my dad has done.

As a child, my dad lost his father to a flood at age 3; and I've thought several times about how that affected the answers to the same questions I have now. My grandmother, after my grandfather's death, remarried twice before my dad left for the Air Force. The second of those two marriages yielded what my dad knew as a dad; I've wondered what that must have been like.

On the flip side, my dad and mom have been married for 40 years. My dad never willingly skipped out of work, but supported my mom and I in any way that he could. I've never seen my dad willingly hit my mom. He supplied me with my first car (and didn't kill me when I got my first ticket running 90mph). My dad asked every bass player he had the opportunity to meet to pray for me while I partied it up, staying intoxicated for almost two solid years, prayed daily for me, and welcomed me with open arms when I did stop that maddening lifestyle. My dad has accepted my wife as a daughter and, I know, would protect her almost as I would myself. My dad is willing to help us in any way that he can, calls me often, never hangs up with saying 'I love you', and now treats me as an adult son with adult priorities...and still gives me a kick in the pants when I need it.


Since finding out we were pregnant, I have not been able to find the 'All Inclusive Guide To Parenting' book...and believe me, I've looked. Chances are, my dad never found it either.


The writer of the song starts with 'been thinking about', and tags each with 'I'm living the best I can'. I've felt much in common with this song, I've been thinking about a lot...the mistakes I've made (and will make), the incorrect things I'm sure my child will inevitably see me do, and I'm sure it won't turn out exactly how I think it should be.

I'm also sure I won't win the true world's greatest dad award; but I have made up my mind to live the best I can...and the best that I can, is to follow wise examples. Fortunately for me, I've got two of those...one earthly...one a little smarter.

I'm glad to say that, I can see a little bit of both of them shining out through me from time to time.